I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
