somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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