The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
