Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
