I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
