Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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