Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
