It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
