I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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