dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
