Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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