We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
