i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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