i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
