OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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