His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
