Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
