we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
