So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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