Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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