YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
