I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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