Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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