i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
