My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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