You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
