On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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