I just threw up on my dentist
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
