I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
