the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
