Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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