Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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