I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
