If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
