Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Please, let me fuck your mom
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
