Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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