I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
