So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
