A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
