i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
