Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
