Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
