I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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