Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
