After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We left the knife in your bed.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
