What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
