What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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