Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
