Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
