I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
