i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
