I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
